What I Wish I Could Tell You
We’ve met quite a few new acquaintances since we’ve been here in Colorado. Our conversations with new friends unfold in the typical fashion:
What do you do for a living? Where are you from? How long have you been married? How many kids do you have?
You know the questions I’m talking about – the “get to know you and try to find connections” questions. While I try to answer with as much cheer and charm as I can muster on the outside, on the inside I’m busting at the seams to tell you why my seemingly perfect little life is perfectly incomplete.
It’s not every day that you meet a couple, from the south no less, who have been married for almost a decade and do not have children.
Whenever we have to answer the kid question with a “no”, I wish I could follow-up with, “but I promise you it’s not for lack of trying with all our might, with all our resources, with all our faith, and with all our hope…for a very long time”.
Infertility is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. It is loss, it is emotional devastation, it is deep sadness, and it is desperation.
Sometimes life just doesn’t go as planned.
For as many doctors as I’ve seen, for as many pills as I’ve popped, for as many shots as I’ve been given, for as many invasive procedures as I’ve endured, there is no good reason why we are missing out on the gift of children.
Unexplained Infertility. That’s what it’s called when dozens of labs, scans, and dyes come back “normal”, and doctors have nothing to diagnose.
“But that’s good, right? At least you don’t have a disease or something“
Wrong – the sick truth is that I wish I had a valid reason for this state I’m in. I wish I could blame it on something. Tell me I’ve got an unusual uterus, or that I’m actually a man and cannot carry a child, or that aliens abducted all my eggs… Give me something – anything for crying out loud! Allow me the small dignity to seek out answers and obsess over the nonsense on WebMD.
But alas, modern medicine stops at unexplained infertility. It’s a complete shot in the dark as to whether or not the (insert awful procedure/pill/shot here) will have any effect whatsoever.
I jest – they do have an effect. They are sure to steal your happiness every time your body fails you.Â
Speaking of “your body fails you“…. I don’t think there is a deeper sense of failure for a woman than not being able to carry out the very function that makes you female.
Yeah, think on that one for a minute…
…
Now I feel I should explain why I’m telling you these things.
You see, I have an intrinsic need to transfer my life into words. It helps me feel a little more free and light and normal. As an added bonus, if my story makes at least one other person feel less alone, then it’s all worth it, because this is a very lonely predicament to be in indeed.
No doubt about it, I have abundance in my life. I have enough love and laughter for 10 of me, and there is not a thing that I could want for that I could not get. I am blessed to be very well cared for. Although I’ve been given the world, there is still one promise that I get to wait a little bit longer for.
Until the day comes when I hold that promise in my arms, I will think about her, and I will dream about her, and I will imagine how perfect our little family will be.
Cheers,
April
P.S. If you want, know that I’d love to hear from you.
P.S.S. If you do let me hear from you, please know that saying “Just stop trying and it will happen” will result in physical harm đ
Expired pregnancy tests…
the plated poet 
You are so brave to write this. Although I can’t imagine the situations you are going through, I can imagine the heartache. I am a firm believer that God will give us the desires of our hearts. . Sometimes we have to be a bit more open with the ways in which he will give them to us. I will pray for you and your husband- for your bodies, for your future child, for the hands in which that will be made. Don’t ever count yourself out đ .
Britni
LikeLike
Britni, I can’t even tell you what a blessing it is to hear from you! Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Your prayers and thoughts are so appreciated. I cannot wait for the day when my story is about welcoming a baby instead of waiting for one. “Never count yourself out” – such a great truth to keep reminding myself of. Thank you girl đ
LikeLike
April, that is such a beautiful but sad story. I can only imagine the frustration you must feel. All I can say is relax. God has a plan, and it will happen. Just keep the faith. We are thinking of you and Adam and hope that you guys are settling in to your new home. With much Love, Teresa Morgan
LikeLike
Mrs. Morgan you are one of the sweetest people I have ever known. Thank you so much for your kind words. We are as settled in as we can be in our rental home and are working hard to put down roots. I am learning to appreciate the rugged, sometimes stark, beauty of the landscape. We can’t wait to “drive over the mountains and through the woods” to ski!
LikeLike
He sends help( Holy spirit) from the sanctuary(Holy of holies), and support from Zion(wilderness of praise)! Psalm 20:2
I would imagine that Zion looks a lot like the Garden of God. Love you
LikeLike
You are awesome – that’s all there is to it. What a cool thing to ponder đ
LikeLike
I’m so sorry April. Had no idea you guys were going through this. Have you considered adoption? The child would be so blessed to have y’all as parents.
LikeLike
Kathryn! It’s ok – no need to be sorry! It’s just a little part of the ever changing story of our life. Adoption is probably something we’ll do regardless if we are able to have our own bio kids or not, but in the mean time, we just figured we could just borrow one of your adorable kids đ Hope you guys are doing great!
LikeLike
April, I remember well the loneliness, pain, and uncertainty of years passing as we hoped for a child, and I am so sorry you are have been walking that path. I think you are really brave for sharing your heart as you grapple with infertility, and I am certain your post will encourage others in the same place. I commend you for living a full life as you wait; that will be a blessing to your child(ren) when they come. I hope and pray that your baby joins you soon!
LikeLike
Your story has been one that I have loved following. Lana and her fox give me a great amount of hope đ It seems like with more and more time that passes, it gets just a teeny tiny bit easier to live through the wait. Thanks so much for taking the time to write…it means a lot.
LikeLike
We love you April! You ARE going to be an AMAZING mother someday. God has something extremely special planned for you and he works in mysterious ways.
LikeLike
Mysterious is right! I’ve been trying to figure out his plan on this one for a while and it’s a puzzle I can’t solve đ I’m so glad you got a chance to read my story… I’ll be waiting on you to start your blog soon so I can keep up with all the fun you’re having with Robert!
LikeLike
What a painfully beautiful tapestry of words. Thank you for writing. Loving you across the miles.
LikeLike
It’s a painfully beautiful experience…or at least one day I will look back and say that it was. Love you, too!
LikeLike